Last night as I was selecting which pot to cook the kale I thought about how much I love my new pots and pans. Now mind you they are not that new, I bought them for myself in 2010 after my second divorce. It occurred to me that I have had two sets of pots and pans in my adult life, both of which were obtain after a divorce.
The first set was obtained when I was 24, my son was 1 1/2 years old and we lived in a flat above a store on Main Street. The flat was wonderful, 15 foot ceilings, unique character, and no stove or fridge. Did I mention it was cheap? Perfect for a single mom with no job. I became very adapt at finding needed items to fill my new home at the Salvation Army and garbage bins around town. Everything I had in my flat was mismatched and honestly a true reflection of me. Paint is wonderful thing, it can transform anything.
As an avid cook I missed being able to cook in my home. My mother gave the frist set of pots and pans for Christmas that year. Even though I did not have a stove I used a hot plate and my neighbors stove. I would make weekly Sunday dinners for all my friends.
While I was the only one with a child at that time, it was that community of strong creative friends that buoyed me and helped me believe in myself to go back to art school. That was the time in my life when I began to journal everyday and learned to listen to what my needs were. I learned that not only can I take care of myself but my creativity is a valuable part of me.
The second set of pots and pans I bought for myself right before my 40th birthday and a few weeks after my second divorce was finalized in 2010. My second marriage was short-lived. It ended simply because there was no room for me with his outsized neediness. When I met my second husband I was trying to out run my humanness. I had found that achieving and controlling kept quiet my nagging needs for connection, love and belonging. From the outside I had a charmed life far from lack that I grew up with. I had a successful career in non-profit management, a house, a car and now a relationship, albeit a shallow one, but that was safe at that point.
I began a daily mediation practice three months before we married in 2008. By sitting with my breath everyday I began to see things as they really were and one thing I saw clearly was that there was no space in our marriage for my needs. My sitting practice taught me to regard myself and my needs for connection and love with compassion. I learned to honor myself, risk asking for my needs to be met. My second husband did not have the capacity to be in a reciprocal relationship. Our relationship ended. I cracked open and began my journey to live with an open heart.
To be honest I felt a lot of shame and like a failure with two failed marriages by the time I was 40. I have grown past that, I feel more comfortable with all of me, my mistakes, my needs, my joys and my sorrows.
Each marriage taught me how to listen to my inner voice and brought me tools to engage with that voice. Daily journaling and mediation are part of my foundation as I continue to learn how open my heart and let others see me. Also, each marriage brought me pots and pans to cook yummy food to nourish myself and my loved ones. Maybe divorce is not so bad after all.
Not only do I love your pots, but the rack and your paint colour! Seriously though, I’m very impressed at your dedication to yourself – journalling, meditation and especially your willingness to admit mistakes and move on. Many people are still working through that stage!
Rack is from Ikea. trust me that dedication was born out of life long suffering. I used to be a lot more rigid with many of self care rituals. I would freak if I could not journal in the AM. I felt like something horrible would happen or I would slide back to where I was before. so now i really work on balance and not being so rigid which also allows me to admit mistakes. My second marriage really taught me that. Thank you for reading and commenting, it helps to know someone out there is reading this. I have read your new posts and will comment in a few. Have a good one.
Shame is such an insidious emotion, and you’re all the more grounded for moving through that to self-compassion.
I’ve started (finally!) a more regular meditation practice myself, and it’s incredible how helpful it is. The only tough part is keeping to it on my own– when I started with an 8 week program, it was easy because of the social support, but now I’ve got to get myself to my practice all on my own
Becky it is amazing how just sitting and watching your breath can teach you so much about compassion for yourself and others. I have never been part of a larger sitting group, I started on my own listening to Dharma talks maybe that would help ground you. I know it helps me not feel so alone and keeps me motivated and answers many questions that arise. For me there are no sitting groups close by so for now this will have to do. I never thought about how dealing with the shame leads to more self compassion. well said and thank you. Good luck on your practice.