It is 60 degrees and sunny outside today. It is not suppose to be. It is early January in Michigan. We should be in our deep freeze, a typical two to three-week period where the temperature does not rise above 10 degrees, ever. A time where the world grows brittle and silent and your breathes freezes in mid-air. A time where you dig in deep and have an excuse to not come out of your cocoon of a bed. When the freeze finally breaks and the temperature rises up to a balmy 22 degrees, a wondrous sense of awakening infiltrates all you do. Life becomes vibrant and hopeful from your long huddle nap.
This flash of warm weather has triggered yet another grief spasms for me. Last year we had an unprecedented warm winter. I think it snowed maybe a total of 6 inches all winter. The deep freeze never came. I was wide awake to witness the death of my son’s father, D. He was diagnosed at the end of December with lung cancer. He was 48 years old. I met him when I was 17, married him at 20, had a baby at 22, divorced him at 24. We remained great friends and raised M. together, half the time at my house, the other half at his. I talked to D. daily, about M. and many other things. D. was my emergency contact, he was the person I called when the I needed help, he ate dinner at our house at least two nights a week.
He died on the first day of spring of the year we never had a winter. It was 83 degrees that day. The apple trees were in bloom. It wasn’t suppose to be that way. He wasn’t suppose to die.
And yet he did, and I grieve daily. It is getting better. I am not completely underwater all the time but now experience intense bouts of grief that consume every ounce of my being. They don’t last as long but seem to be more intense.
I have been counting the time, “Ok, 9 months into this grief, I can do this”. I keep telling myself “If I can make it the first year it will get easier”. I am holding out for April. Like somehow magically my life and mind will be back to some kind of working order.
I have this idea that grieving is nice and neat. That I can do it on a time table, like a project I set up at work. But it isn’t. I am a mess. This has broke me open, I will never be the same, and I don’t want to be the same. For the first time in my life I am not hiding my pain, I am not being strong. I am leaving the office because I can’t stop crying. I am crying at the store and at the coffee shop where he used to go. I cannot think, I am not productive, I fall apart most weekends. I am saying to people in my life “Help”. I am reaching out. This is good. This is human. This is the way it is suppose to be.
Oh Kira that was such a beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I would be heartbroken too if the father of my son died. We went our separate ways when our son was 5 (he is now 34) and we stayed in contact much the same as you did, both of us raising our son together but separately. 2 summers ago my mum and I visited my ex and his wife and 2 young children in Singapore on our way to Europe and they took us out to lunch at Raffles. I have a precious photo of his 5 year old pushing my mum in her wheelchair in the garden, all the family trailing behind. I feel for you in your loss. Keep writing, it is beautiful.
Thanks for the kinds words Iris. It is sometimes hard for others to understand why I am grieving still but as you know relationships are varied and do not always fit into the neat boxes society creates. It sounds like your family is unique too.
Kira,
I so relate to your words, having lost my ex-husband and father of my 2 kids in April 2012. His was a sudden death, he was found dead in his flat and we never got to say goodbye.
His death has devastated me , my reaction has been beyond anything I would have expected. I know your pain and I send you a hug