How lame is that? How utterly text-book am I? A typical overworked, overstressed, feels guilty for not doing it all American woman. Seriously, I am not special or different, Google told me that thousands of other women struggle with what ails me. The worse part, I have a sneaking suspicion that all of my working, doing, trying, and striving really is for nothing as the world will turn without my efforts and my efforts are ruining my health. Which I already knew but was confirmed yesterday by my new acupuncturist.
In mid October I started having symptoms of Tennis Elbow. Pain radiating down my arm, hard to grasp, loss of full range of motion and this has been going on now for months. After many different approaches I made the choice to go see an acupuncturist. I have had success in the past and beside I have been so tried, lots of dizziness, PMS is getting the best of me each month, have gained some weight and it seems like the grief is still biting into my life too much.
So yesterday was my first appointment, after a long discussion of different symptoms and examination of my pulse, tongue, nails and skin, the diagnosis? Liver Qi stagnation with blood deficiency, kidney yin and yang deficiency and heart yin deficiency. Translation I am depleted. Empty. Running on fumes. I knew that, but once she gently confirmed it really hit me. Shit again? This has happened before. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
Besides weekly acupuncture sessions and some herbs I need to cut down, way down on the coffee. That really sucks but I get it. I need to do less, slow down, not rush. I need to rest more, like laying down rest more. I need to practice doing nothing. I need to not engage in extreme exercise but calm moderate workouts.
All of which is all fine but it is highly uncomfortable and brings up all kinds funky feelings of not being good enough and how I feel about myself if I am not doing. Slowing down is what I want to learn how do more of any ways but I like to think about it, read about it and not actually have to put my life into low gear and do it.
What really bothers me the most about this? Is that it happened, that I was not taking good enough care of myself. That I failed to be perfect in taking care of myself. That, ironically, I am not even good enough at not being good enough. If that makes any sense at all.
So it is now mid afternoon, I am still in PJ’s, laying in bed. I feel like crap but I am thinking more from the lack of coffee than my stagnation and deficiency. On my agenda for the rest of the day, apparently nothing and honestly it is very uncomfortable.
Isn’t it the American way to run ourselves into the ground striving for perfection? I say you just enjoy your relaxed restful day and stop feeling so guilty about it!
And I have to keep asking myself, what is the perfectionism for? Thanks, I am working on enjoying it.
I hear you Kira: I’m the eternal perfectionist. But I’m going to change it. On my whiteboard in the studio/office, where I can see it all the time, I pinned a note “It doesn’t have to be perfect”. A good reminder
yes a great reminder. I cannot tell you how many times a day I hear myself saying, “ok, just drop by drop you will get this done” Starting this blog has been pushing those perfection buttons big time.
Loved reading your site. Thank you for visiting my hotel. You made my day. No one ever visits. So no stagnation evident there. You made someone smile. That’s a grand achievement. Keep us the good work!
Thanks, you just made me smile.
Oh I *so* identify with this. Perfectionism seems like one of the most sneaky of the cognitive traps we can get ourselves into– once you recognize it, you can start beating yourself up about not overcoming it. Or overcoming it fast enough. Or generally having less than helpful thoughts ever. Bah.
or as my therapist says, trying to be imperfectly perfect. I with you and I will say it is beyond a cognitive trap, it eats me alive at times and the worse part is when I try to explain it others they just sit and stare at me like I am nuts and I know I sound nuts but perfectionism creates this horrible spiral death of thinking.
Oh I *so* identify with this. Perfectionism seems like one of the most sneaky of the cognitive traps we can get ourselves into– once you recognize it, you can start beating yourself up about not overcoming it. Or overcoming it fast enough. Or generally be grumpy about having less-than-helpful thoughts. Bah.