The Perfectly Imperfect Project has generated a lot thought and discussion around the idea of self care and what that really means. The first thing I have to say about self-care is that I have learned it is about balance. Self care is a dynamic process, never the same on any given day.
I crave predictability and control and I have a tendency to try to impose these factors into all areas of my life. I also am plagued with an unrelenting desire for perfection. The little four-year in me thinks that if I am perfect than I can prove that I am good enough. Unfortunately these motivations drive many of my behaviors.
While there are so many tools of self-care that I have practiced or continue to practice I have a found three to be my foundation.
The first big tool of self-care that I found was writing daily Morning Pages. These worked magic in my life, for the first time I was able to name what I was feeling. I of course latch on tight. I never would miss a day come hell or high water. I would write those damn pages getting up at 4:30 am, writing by flash light under the covers when on vacation and would never talk to anyone before I wrote my pages.
I did this for over 15 years before I finally began to relax and realize that I was not going to break if I did not write them. I attributed the of peace I experienced from writing the pages on the pages not on the changes in me. Morning Pages also fed my unhealthy mental pattern of perfection and seeking to prove that I was good enough.
I hate to admit it but I did the same thing with mediation practice. I started a Metta mediation practice for 5 minutes a day and soon worked my way up to 15 minutes. About a month after that I worked my way up to a daily 30 minute Vipassana practice. The changes I experienced in my life as a result of this simple practice of watching my breath with nonjudgemental awareness was transformative and has forever changed my life. Again, the perfection seeking rose up and took hold. I practiced every morning for three years before I was able to let go of the craving of doing it perfectly.
This meant, that I got up at 4:30 am everyday so that I had time for my “self-care” routine of Morning Pages, Vipassana practice and working out for 45 minutes on the elliptical or doing yoga. Mind you, I worked full-time putting in 50 to 60 hours a week, and my son M. was still in school and living at home. I was doing it all, being the perfect single mom with a successful career.
Here is the part that I ignored and others did not see, I was exhausted, I was stressed out and I did not have any real connections to the people in my life. I used the “self-care” routine to build a wall between myself and others. I used it as self-protection and I was lonely.
My “self-care” became yet another heavy thing for me to carry. I had to do it all or I was a failure. The year I turned 40 all of this shifted for me. I am not sure if it was all of the self-care seeds that had finally ripened and soften my heart or if it was the idea of starting a new decade, kind of like a fresh start. Or if it was the years of encountering the chronic “I am not good enough” feelings in Vipassana practice. I am thinking it was many factors combined.
I began not sitting every day or doing my morning pages every day. I did not break, in fact I found that my mediation practice deepened and I had more insight in my writing. I was connecting more with my son, I was slowing down, my inner chatter of “not good enough” got a little bit quieter.
I learned to not hold myself hostage with my “self-care” routine and instead live a full life and embrace my humanness. I learned that self-care is about balancing my ever shifting needs. Some days, I need more quiet and introspection; other days I need to connect with others more. Some days I simply need to sleep, sit and do nothing.
Self-care for me now is about paying attention to what my heart, mind and body need and taking the courageous steps to meet those needs even if it means not doing it perfectly. I aim to journal, mediate and do some form of exercise most days. These are still my foundations but I am not going to let “self-care” get int the way of me living a full life any more.
Wow, Kira those are some interesting insights you’ve had! I wish my needs were predictable, so I always knew what to do to take care of myself best at any given time. I think that’s a sort of perfectionist tendency too. I will try to keep this in mind going forward…
Thanks Kelly, Likewise when I read you blog I can always relate to your insights, which many have to do with grappling with perfectionism.
I could not believe how much of me you wrote about except, it took turning 60 to examine my “self-care” life. Forced changes attached to new stages of life will do that. Thank you for allowing me to see my thoughts in actual words.
you are so welcome and thank you for stopping by and reading. it helps to know that others relate and I am not the only one that struggles with balancing true self care.
Oh Kira I can so relate to the Morning Pages thing and having to do them no matter what. I realised too I had to let go of trying to do it all and doing it relentlessly. I can relax and be easy on myself and with myself. I’m OK just as I am, I am enough. Great post, clearly articulating how it feels to make yourself a prisoner of perfection!
Iris,
Thanks for the kind words, it is encouraging to know that others have similar experiences. I think the theme of my 40s is to embrace and embody “I am enough”
What an insightful post. You have a deep understanding of yourself. Thank you for sharing the website on self care. I feel like i want to do things for me but my problem isn’t perfection, its not giving these tasks enough attention and then I feel like I have a thousand “fun for me” things to catch up on which then feels stressful!!! I think the best one I can think of to maintain is mindfulness. Trying to just be in the moment with whatever I’m doing. Just to slow it down.
Thanks for your kind comments. I had to laugh at the “fun for me” things to catch up on. I have so many times been stressed out and snappy with the those in my life because I am not doing all of the fun for me things. I agree 100% that Mindfulness is the key. i know it is what helps to stop my habit of doing it all.
Oh, how the “self-chatter” gets to us all! I call them the tapes inside my head – and not nearly often enough are they playing a good song. I’m glad you are taking charge of the chatter and breaking free. sometimes cocoons can be restrictive but the end result is always fantastic.
Thanks so much for sharing – I just love this post! As a recovering perfectionist and someone who is learning to make self-care a much bigger part of my life, I have often started going down the route of making it another thing to accomplish. So I just wanted to let you know that this post has helped me quite a bit (I’ve come back to it a few times) and is one of my favourite in the perfectly imperfect self care series.
Whitney,
thank you so much for your kind words. I helps to know that others can relate and are inspired. It took so much courage to post that and connect it the self-care series. I am glad I did. It is such a difficult thing recovering from perfectionism when our culture values it some much. It takes so much mindfulness to not let the perfectionism slip in to our self compassion and self care. Thank you so much and Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you want to share more about your journey.